DEAR DEIDRE: GETTING involved with a married woman didn’t sit comfortably with me, but now she has thrown a huge curveball by suggesting that we have a threesome — with her husband.
I am 29 and still recovering after my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with one of my mates.
That experience completely shattered my ability to trust anyone.
I met my lover at a coffee shop and we later went out for a drink.She is 37.
She told me her marriage had been struggling for a long time and revealed that she hadn’t had sex for well over a year as her husband works away a lot.
Our casual meetings became more regular as the physical attraction grew, and we started sleeping together. She is irresistible and has quickly become an important part of my life.
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Then, last week, she dropped a bombshell. Out of nowhere, she admitted she had been thinking about us having a threesome and asked how I felt about it.
I told her I wouldn’t need much persuading but I was stunned when she said she wanted it to be with her husband.
I was almost lost for words and could only say I’d think about it.
Now I am torn. I genuinely don’t know how I will feel being intimate with him right there in the room. However, I want to keep her happy and I’m scared of losing her.
I’m worried that if I disagree, she will dump me and find someone else to join in.
And yet this request feels perverse.
I feel like I am going to lose her whether I choose to go ahead with it or not.
DEIDRE SAYS: If she is willing to dump you simply because you refuse to have a threesome with her husband, then that just underlines what shaky ground you are on anyway.
If you go along with this just to please her, you will end up deeply resenting her and feeling that you have let yourself down.
You need to tell her honestly that you care for her but the proposed threesome is not for you. Is her marriage truly as bad as she makes out or do they have an open relationship?
This is clearly more than just a casual situation for you now, so you need to be open with her.
Either she ends her marriage to be with you, or you must move on before you risk even more hurt.
My support pack Thinking Of A Threesome explains more.
SORROW AT LOSS OF BABY
DEAR DEIDRE: SIX months ago, my world shattered when I lost my baby two months into the pregnancy. I can’t stop crying and feel pathetic for being such a mess.
I’m 26 and my husband is 28. We had been trying for over a year and were so excited to finally start our family. Now, that happiness has turned to heartache.
While my husband tries to support me, he is suffering too. Every month brings more disappointment when my period arrives, reminding me of what I lost.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve become so resentful of other mums who seem to conceive so easily. I’m young, healthy, and doing everything right, so why is having a baby such a huge struggle for me?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry. Experiencing a miscarriage is a painful loss and is a bereavement which many people rarely understand. The pain intensifies as your due date approaches.
Please know you aren’t alone. Contact The Miscarriage Association (miscarriageassociation.org.uk, 01924 200 799).
Most miscarriages happen in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy (known as early miscarriage) and it’s estimated that this happens to ten to 20 per cent of pregnancies, yet most women eventually deliver healthy babies.
Keep talking to your doctor and follow the advice in my support pack, Want To Have A Baby?, to maximise your chances.
I’M LONELY SINCE I GOT MARRIED
DEAR DEIDRE: LONELINESS was the last thing I expected when I married my husband. I thought I’d found a partner to share my life with, instead, I feel more isolated than I ever did living by myself.
I’m 52 and he’s 48. We’ve been married for almost four years. We were both divorced with grown-up children.
He was fun at first but over this past year he has become a grumpy, irritable old man. He has ruined numerous family get-togethers by getting drunk and starting rows.
Our love life is non-existent as he thinks sex is dirty. Even on holidays, we just sit in stony silence.
Finding porn sites on his phone was the last straw.
Now I spend most nights reading in the bedroom while he watches sport on TV.
DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps he is also quietly suffering and clueless about how to revive your relationship and sex life.
Explain that his behaviour is driving you and the family away. Make it clear your marriage cannot survive as it is. He sounds depressed, which alcohol worsens.
Insist he sees his doctor and arrange couples counselling. Don’t isolate yourself at home in misery.
Reconnect with your friends and take up new interests and hobbies.
My support pack Dealing With A Problem drinker will help.
AM I GAY AFTER HOLIDAY FLING?
DEAR DEIDRE: DURING a holiday in Spain I had sex with another guy – despite being there with my wife.
I am really confused about why I did it as my wife means the world to me and I have never had feelings for a man before. I am 46, my wife is 44 and we’ve been happily married for 12 years.
I first struck up a conversation with this guy when we were both having an early morning swim.
A few days later we bumped into this man and his wife at the hotel bar. Our wives went back to their rooms early after having a few too many drinks and we carried on boozing. There was a definite spark between us.
Walking back to our rooms we ended up kissing. I have never had a single sexual experience or feelings towards another man, but we went to a conference room and ended up having sex.
It wasn’t a one-off either. We secretly met and had sex twice more before our flights home.
Before going our separate ways, we both confessed we’d never felt this kind of intense connection with another man.
Now that I’m back home, my head is spinning. I’m overwhelmed and confused.
I love my wife, I value our time together and I don’t want to lose her, so how do I make sense of these feelings?
DEIDRE SAYS: It is not unusual to experience same-sex attraction, even later in life, but whether you are straight, bi or gay, you are cheating on your wife and potentially putting her health at risk.
I understand how confusing it must be to sit with these feelings.
Perhaps you’ve repressed these needs or perhaps this man unlocked a side of you that you didn’t know existed. If you aren’t going to see him again, you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage or explore this unfamiliar side to your sexuality.
Either way, don’t fall into a pattern of cheating. It may help to talk through your feelings.
Contact Switchboard LGBT+ (switchboard.lgbt, 0800 0119 100) to do so. My support pack, LGBT+ Support, has more advice.
