To help readers cope with their anxieties in these stressful times, TOI has launched Talk it Out, a series in which expert counsellors answer your mental health queries. This week’s advice is from counselling psychologist Ananya Arora.Four years ago, I left a toxic relationship that drained me. Soon after, I met someone who unknowingly gave me everything I needed — love, care, and unwavering support. He treats me like a life partner in every way except one: he has never said “I love you” and is firmly against marriage. He fears its responsibilities and is certain he wants to remain unmarried, while I want to marry him. This has led to repeated arguments. Now, my strict desi parents want to start looking for a match but have given me a chance to speak up if there’s someone in my life. I love him deeply and can’t imagine anyone else, yet I can’t tell them about him because, while there’s love, there’s no commitment. Hoping things might change, I recently moved in with him, but I don’t know if it will. I can’t leave him, but I also don’t want to hurt my parents. I feel completely torn. What should I do? — AnonymousFinding a loving partner, especially after a difficult relationship, seems like nothing short of a blessing. But it sounds like you’re in a deeply emotional and complex situation, feeling torn between your love for your partner and your commitment to your parents. It may help to explore what exactly about marriage makes him hesitant — does he fear the responsibilities it brings or is it the institution itself that he resists? Knowing the reasons behind resistance to a particular thing helps us navigate through it better. Moreover, reflecting on your feelings about marriage will help you communicate your needs better. Think about what marriage means to you beyond family and societal expectations. Does it provide a sense of security, validation, or something deeper? You might also consider discussing whether there’s a way to create a meaningful commitment that aligns with both of your values. After all, working through and resolving this situation would need understanding and compromise from both ends. If only one of you is expected to let go, it can lead to resentment towards the other over a period of time.After my grandmother passed away in 2020, I was eager to get married and asked my parents to start looking for a girl for marriage, unsure about caste preferences. They told me my earnings weren’t good enough. Over the next few years, I worked hard, secured a decent package, and asked again — only to receive no response from family and encounter fake profiles online. Now, at 34, after all this hassle, marriage feels pointless. Why should I struggle to impress someone I don’t even know when the chances seem so slim? Instead, I wonder if I could just adopt a child later because for me, the only thing a marriage could facilitate is that I could become a father, friend and mentor. I’m confused — why do people marry, and do I need to? Please help.— AnonymousThe decision to marry or not is deeply personal even though we’re told otherwise, many times. This also means that it is completely valid to wonder if this path is right for you. Questioning the purpose of being in a marriage when it doesn’t feel like an obvious decision to make is healthy, and can help you arrive at a conclusion that aligns with your goals. It can help to ask yourself a few questions like beyond fatherhood, what aspects of companionship and partnership matter to you? Would you feel fulfilled in the long run without a life partner, or might you eventually miss the emotional intimacy that a life partner is likely to bring in? Before you conclude that marriage is not for you, I would also encourage you to reflect on how comfortable you feel in looking for a like-minded partner beyond traditional match-making methods. Lastly, if adoption feels like a meaningful path, it may help to research the legalities and emotional aspects of raising a child as a single parent in India. Take your time to define what a fulfilling life looks like for you.I’m in my 40s, married, with children, and doing well in both work and family life. For the past few years, I’ve been in constant contact with a former colleague — junior and single. We share a deep bond, consider each other soulmates and talk regularly. She’s independent, respects me and reciprocates our connection. I support her mentally and financially when I can, and I genuinely like her but I’m unsure where this is heading. Neither of us has expressed our feelings, yet this overwhelms me and leaves me with a sense of emptiness. My spouse is aware and often taunts me about it. How do I resolve this?— AnonymousIt’s natural to feel drawn to someone outside your marriage, especially when that connection feels effortless and fulfilling. Often, this is because these connections don’t carry the same responsibilities, conflicts and daily struggles unlike marriages. Similarly, a lot of times, the qualities of the other person that we admire are also the ones we see missing in our marriage. While this may or may not be true for you, I would encourage you to reflect on this. Journalling, counselling and even a conversation with your colleague on where this is headed can provide clarity. Moreover, consider the impact of continuing this dynamic on yourself, your family and even your colleague. The fact that your spouse is aware and calls it out is a sign that it is somewhere already affecting your household. Reflect on whether this relationship aligns with your values and long-term happiness. Understanding what you truly seek, without escaping into an illusion of perfection, will guide your next steps.
Talk it out: ‘I am torn between my parents and my commitment-phobic partner’ | India News
