DEAR DEIDRE: I AGREED to cover for my brother-in-law’s affair, but I’ve blown my family apart.
Being the alibi for my brother-in-law’s affair made me uncomfortable, but I could never have imagined how devastating that decision would be.
I’m a 34-year-old man and my wife is 33. Her sister, 31, is also married.
The four of us are really close and we socialise regularly – going to each other’s houses for BBQs and afternoons in our hot tub, or big nights out in town.
None of us has kids yet and we all work hard, so we like to blow off steam.
I thought my sister-in-law and her husband were really happy.
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But a few months ago, they came round to our house for a session and, while I was refreshing everyone’s drinks I caught my brother-in-law texting someone in the kitchen.
I jokingly said, “What’s this — messaging the side-chick?”
To my horror, he confessed he’d been seeing a woman at work for about six weeks. He said it had started as retaliation because his wife had been liking other men’s posts on instagram.
He then proceeded to show me her social media posts and it was easy to see why he was tempted.
Every single post was sexual and she was stunning as hell.
He begged me not to tell anyone and asked if he could use me as an alibi. His endless excuses of working late were wearing thin apparently.
As he spoke, I looked out at his wife — happy and oblivious in the hot tub — and thought how upset she’d be if she knew the truth. Stupidly I agreed to cover for him.
I assumed it would only be a couple of times, but he expected me to cover for him at least once or twice every week.
When I could’ve been relaxing at home with my wife, I had to sneak around pretending that he’d taken me to the pub, or fishing.
I sat in pubs for hours by myself. Meanwhile he’d been having sex with this other woman.
At the same time, unbeknownst to me, my wife was becoming suspicious. Last week, I was sitting in a pub on my own when my wife and her sister suddenly burst in.
My wife, stressed and near tears, demanded to know where my other woman was. She wouldn’t let up. And with her sister there asking where her husband was – I caved in and revealed the truth.
Now the secret’s out, my brother-in-law has been kicked out of his house and is living in a hotel.
He hates me for blowing his cover, my wife is barely even looking at me, she’s so angry at me for lying to her face.
And my sister in law won’t speak to me either. She’s so depressed she hasn’t been eating at all.
It’s such a mess and I feel awful.
DEIDRE SAYS: Your brother-in-law put you in an impossible position, but his request was selfish and reckless.
It’s understandable that you thought you’d be helping by covering the truth, but in reality you’ve simply been dragged into his mess.
While you didn’t create this awful dynamic, you did allow yourself to be compromised, not just morally but your time was wasted and your relationship neglected as a result.
If ever you are asked to compromise yourself again, learn from this experience and put your own needs first. My support pack Standing Up For Yourself will help.
Your in-laws’ relationship is not your responsibility, but it is possible for couples to rebuild trust even after infidelity.
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? Has helped many couples to strengthen their relationship after infidelity and you could ask your wife to pass it on.
As far as your own marriage is concerned, all you can do is explain how lost and uncomfortable you felt. Ask for her forgiveness and reassure her you’ll never do anything so misguided again.
If you can keep showing up for her, she is more likely to allow herself to trust you again.
Dear Deidre’s Infidelity Issues
From hidden flings to messy betrayals, cheating stories regularly appear in Deidre’s inbox.
One woman is involved in an intense affair with her child’s teacher, torn between the passion of a secret romance and maintaining her family life.
Another reader admits to repeatedly cheating on her loving boyfriend, compelled by a need for attention and desire, while living a seemingly normal relationship.
And a third married man’s double life came crashing down when his mother discovered he had been secretly paying for escorts.
CHEATING AND WHY IT HAPPENS
Around one in five British adults admit to having had an affair. And of the men who admit to being unfaithful, almost half are repeat cheaters.
Despite 57 per cent of the public believing extra-marital sex is “always wrong,” infidelity remains one of the most common reasons marriages and long-term relationships collapse.
People rarely cheat for just one reason, it’s usually a mix of unmet needs, opportunity, and emotional disconnection.
1. Emotional neglectWhen communication breaks down or someone feels unseen, they may seek validation and intimacy elsewhere.
2. Sexual boredomRoutine can dull desire. New experiences, flirting, or forbidden sex can reignite excitement and create an intoxicating rush.
3. OpportunityWork trips, alcohol, dating apps, and online messaging make cheating easier and more tempting than ever.
4. Low self-esteemBeing desired by someone new can provide a short-term confidence boost, even when it risks long-term damage.
5. Revenge or resentmentSome affairs start as a way of regaining control or retaliating after feeling rejected or hurt.
6. Addiction and impulseFor a minority, infidelity stems from compulsive sexual behaviour or poor impulse control rather than intent.
