DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband has a fetish for latex and while I’m happy to indulge him every now and again, he says it’s not enough.

Now I’ve discovered he’s been going to the same sex worker for over a year to get his kicks. I’m furious and so hurt.

We’re in our mid-forties with two teenage daughters. We both work hard and have a busy social life.

I’ve always found his fetish a bit overwhelming as he often buys me a “gift” which is always a new latex outfit or underwear and means a long bedroom session that weekend.

He has a high sex drive which was fine before but over the last few years his daily demands have become too much.

I told him I’ll do it all dressed up once a fortnight at the most.

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He wasn’t happy and instead of talking to me, decided he’d find someone who would indulge him whenever he demanded.

I found out after clicking on a savings account in our banking app — we are saving to buy a caravan — and saw a regular £120 withdrawal every other week for the past three months.

I thought someone was scamming us and told my husband.

Instead of being shocked he was sheepish, saying he’d had to pay for repairs to the car and he’d be paying it back.

I went away, thought about it, realised it sounded like a load of rubbish and confronted him again.

He finally admitted he’d been going to someone who would accommodate him. He apologised — sort of — by saying ‘I’m sorry you’re upset. But I have needs.’

He has said he will stop going to she her, if I have sex his way more often. I feel trapped.

I’m so upset I can barely look at him, let alone have sex with him. But if I don’t, he’ll go back to this woman.

How can I sort this?

DEIDRE SAYS: Your husband has cheated on you, blamed you and then tried to blackmail you. To be clear, he hasn’t apologised – he’s excused himself.

Slow everything down. You can’t reconcile, let alone have sex, until he’s properly apologised at the very least. That means taking ownership of his mistake completely.

You are in the driving seat, not him, and if he wants your marriage to last, he needs to detail what he’s going to do to make amends and prove he is capable of regaining your trust.

At the same time, he needs to take on board what changes you need. We know what changes he wants.

Talking to a sex and relationship therapist will help. Contact the College of Relationship and Sex Therapists (cosrt.org.uk).

I DON’T LIKE MUM’S NEW BOYFRIEND

DEAR DEIDRE: MUM has met someone after staying single for 16 years. I know I should feel happy for her but I find him boorish and domineering.

Mum is 61 and Dad left her when she discovered that he had been having an affair.

I’m one of two sons and we’re both in our early 20s.

I’ve always been close to mum and as the eldest have felt it’s been my responsibility to help her out as much as possible.

She didn’t want a partner when we were younger saying she wanted to focus on us, so I feel bad that now she has finally met someone, I can’t stand him.

He’s not a bad person but he wants to be top dog.

Just because he’s older than me doesn’t mean he automatically gets that spot.

He carves the roast, he sits at the top of the table, parks his car in the one spot on the drive.

My brother and I still live at home. He is in his last year of university and I’m working as a chef.

I’d love to open my own restaurant one day but for now I’m getting experience working in some of the best places in the area.

Thankfully this man hasn’t moved in and it’s all I can do to keep a lid on how much he annoys me when he stays at the weekends.

Mum is no idiot and keeps asking me what’s wrong.

Apparently I’ve become snappy and antisocial.

I don’t want to fall out with her over her new boyfriend but things need to change.

DEIDRE SAYS: This is a big adjustment for all of you and it’s natural that there will be challenges.

He may think he needs to show you how capable he is – to reassure you he will take good care of your mum.

Talk to your mum and explain that, while you can see her new boyfriend is a good person, you find it irritating when he tries to take over at home.

Ask if he can take things more slowly. Part of your adjustment is allowing the heavy burden of responsibility to lighten.

You want to start your own restaurant. With Mum’s dependable new partner on the scene you can pour your energies elsewhere.

A lot of your resentment is likely to be due to the fact your dad left you and your brother, so an older man coming in assuming he can take the role of “man of the house” is understandably a bitter pill.

SEX-HELP CLINIC

DEAR DEIDRE: AS a dad of young kids, I’m so ashamed to admit a porn addiction is ruining my life.

I love my partner, who I’ve been with for 12 years, and we have a pretty good relationship, although I’ve started to struggle in the bedroom with her.

I’m 38 and my girlfriend is 37. Like a lot of men, I’ve always masturbated and enjoyed watching porn fairly regularly, while maintaining a healthy sex life within a long-term relationship.

However, I know that the balance has shifted over the last few years, since our last child was born.

We have an eight-year-old and a five-year-old.

Looking back, I can see what happened. My girlfriend was knackered with two young children and she became very self conscious after putting on quite a bit of weight.

She started avoiding sex, so I did what any red-blooded male would – turned to porn more and more.

But instead of viewing it once or twice a week, I now need to watch it once or twice a morning.

Ironically, my girlfriend wants to have sex with me again and I can rarely rise to the occasion.

It’s embarrassing and she has started to ask if I’ve “gone off her”.

I feel terrible, but I don’t know what to say to her, so I come out with lame excuses like being a bit tired.

I’ve tried so hard to give up looking at adult content and have managed to go as long as a week without, but I always go back to it.

It’s such a vile habit. I can’t resist using porn, but immediately after, I feel so guilty about what I’ve done.

Why can’t I be more disciplined? I’d love to go back to a time when I enjoyed simple sex with my girlfriend. Is that possible?

DEIDRE SAYS: You can be reassured that online porn is designed to be highly addictive, so you are not being weak.

And there is a way out of your dilemma which should lead to your sex life with your partner getting back to its best.

But if you truly want to break free of the hold this has on you, you will need expert help. Contact thelaurelcentre.co.uk for comprehensive support and recovery.

I FEAR I’M AUTISTIC

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER a second argument with a friend, it has finally dawned on me that I might be autistic.
I’ve always struggled with conversation – the chit-chat element is really difficult for me. I also misinterpret things people say to me and get upset when apparently it’s not appropriate.
My friend recently joked that I’d end up huge if I kept putting three sugars in my hot chocolate. I got upset and then he got angry because apparently I’m so slim it was obviously a joke.
At the time I felt he was saying I was getting fat. He messaged me after and said he couldn’t cope with me any longer.
Could I be autistic?
DEIDRE SAYS: Issues such as you describe can be an autistic trait, but in order to get a diagnosis you would need to be experiencing other symptoms.
It would be worth exploring whether you are neurodivergent, while some don’t feel a diagnosis is helpful, others feel validated.
See the National Autistic Society (autistic.org.uk) for more information.

PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND WANTS A BREAK

DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend thinks she’s pregnant yet at the same time says she wants a break from me. I’m so confused.

We’ve been together for two years in total although last year we split up for four months during which time we both saw other people.

I got back together briefly with an ex but when my girlfriend called, saying she realised I was the one, I was delighted.

We rekindled our relationship and I thought we had never been stronger.

I was going to ask her to marry me but last week she got upset when I admitted I’d seen my ex on our split.

Now she’s told me she thinks she’s pregnant but doesn’t know if she wants to go ahead with it.

DEIDRE SAYS: Be clear to her that the fling with your ex meant nothing and you want to make a future with her.

Let her know you will support her with whatever she decides regarding her pregnancy.

My support pack called Unplanned Pregnancy explains options clearly.

If she decides to have the baby, you have an opportunity to be the dad that every child deserves.