DEAR DEIDRE: for a short and intense period, my last relationship was so good – but my man has dropped me out of the blue and ghosted me.
Could his ADHD be the reason?
We met when he came to repair the roof next door, and the loud music blaring out of his radio disturbed me.
I leant out of my bedroom window to complain but was totally derailed by how good looking he was.
I’m 29 and he’s 38. We got chatting and swapped phone numbers. He never initiated contact but when I messaged him, he’d reply immediately.
We eventually went out for a drink. That was a great evening and he opened up about all his problems. He’d struggled to hold down office jobs because his ADHD meant he quickly lost interest in anything too routine.
Live Chat and Contact Dear Deidre
Live Chat with one of our trained counsellors Monday to Thursday from 1pm to 4pm.
In Live Chat Hours:On your desktop or mobile, a ‘live chat with us’ button will appear below. Click it, and the chat box will appear and you will be connected with one of Deidre’s team.
If you’re on the The Jattvibe app, click here.
If you would like to contact any of the counsellors outside of these hours, you can contact us:Via email: deardeidre@the-sun.co.ukOr send a confidential form here.DM us on Instagram: @Dear DeidreDM us on Facebook: @DearDeidreOfficial
He thinks it’s held him back in all parts of his life. After we left the pub, he walked me home and stayed the night.
The sex was fantastic. We started seeing each other regularly but never defined our relationship. Still, if I didn’t contact him days would pass without a word.
After three months of this, I got a bit drunk and accused him of being with another woman.
He replied, telling me I should go out with other men.
I was hurt but decided to let it go. He said he was coming back to work on my neighbour’s roof, so I said if he messaged me when he was there I’d take him a cuppa.
He never did. He just worked on the roof then left. I sent him a furious WhatsApp message telling him I never wanted to see him again.
He read it, but didn’t reply.
And when I tried to contact him the next week, he’d blocked me. Did he treat me like this because of his ADHD?
DEIDRE SAYS: You fell hard for this man but, as you’ve written, it seems neither of you defined your relationship status.
It’s difficult when a partner treats the other badly or ends the relation-ship suddenly without any apparent reason.
For the slighted person, it can feel like torture trying to work out where it all went wrong, trying to find meaning in the bad behaviour.
I have no doubt ADHD will have had a huge impact on his life but it isn’t a reason for spineless behav-iour. I’m afraid it’s time to face the reality that he simply wasn’t capable of a committed relationship.
As you heal from this, remind yourself of the reality of the relat-ionship, how little effort he made, how he didn’t have the decency to finish with you himself.
Remind yourself none of this was your fault and closure will come.
My support pack, Mending A Broken Heart, gives more insight
WORRIED WIFE IS CHEATING
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY woman I’ve ever dated has cheated on me. I’m worried my wife is the latest to do the dirty.
We met three years ago when I was temporarily living in my local pub after I’d dumped my long-term girlfriend for sexting her ex.
One night, I was drowning my sorrows when a beautiful woman walked in. I’m 45, she is 34.
She’d had a row with her boyfriend and escaped in case he turned nasty. I felt protective and told her she could stay with me that night.
I was trying to be respectful, but she crept on to the sofa where I was sleeping and we had spectacular sex.
After that, she’d sneak in to see me most evenings, telling her boyfriend she’d joined the women’s darts team.
I proposed after a year and we got married. I gave up everything to move away and live near her family. That’s when the trouble started. She got a new job and began dressing for that in sexy outfits. I’m still struggling to find work so I sit at home all day, worrying about what she’s doing.
I send loving messages to get reassurance but she either ignores me or sends a kiss emoji back.
I noticed her phone was always on silent, face-down on the table. When I asked why, she said she got lots of social media notifications that stressed her out.
Every one of my partners has cheated. I can’t understand why as I try to be loving and caring.
I can be jealous, but is that because I’ve been cheated on, or is my intuition warning me off her?
DEIDRE SAYS: Dressing up for work could be because it helps her confidence, or other women in her office dress that way.
Silencing her phone might be a sign of guilt, or – as she says – a way to get peace.
Repeated betrayals would make anyone feel insecure. Your confidence has been dented time and again.
It would be wise to let your wife know that you’re worried you’re drifting apart. Give her the opportunity to reassure you.
Keep looking for work so you aren’t over-focused on worrying about what she is doing.
To get clarity, see a counsellor. Talk through your experiences and put them firmly in the past. Then you’ll be able to evaluate your marriage with objectivity.
My free support pack, How Counselling Can Help, has more information.
SIDELINED AFTER REVEALING MENTAL HEALTH WOES
DEAR DEIDRE: I CONFIDED in my friends about my mental health struggles – and since then, I’ve been sidelined.
I’m a 65-year-old woman and I’ve had a group of six close female friends for about 20 years.
Recently, I realised I’ve been living with depression and anxiety for some time.
I don’t work any more and rarely leave the house, so seeing these friends used to be a lifeline.
I opened up about my issues but now I hardly see them. One said it was just a cry for attention.
DEIDRE SAYS: That is a poor show. True friends always support each other so you have every reason to feel hurt.
You deserve to spend time with people who do not look down on you or judge.
The mental health charity Mind (mind.org.uk) runs lots of support groups for older adults.
They offer in-person sessions and online groups so you wouldn’t have to leave the house unless you wanted to.
My free support pack, Widening Your Social Scene, has more ideas.
I’m straight… but only watch lesbian porn
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM a heterosexual woman but whenever I look at porn online, I am drawn to lesbian content.
They’re the only videos guaranteed to make me orgasm every time. Where does that random weirdness come from?
I’m 25. I’ve never had a girlfriend, or wanted one. I have had four long-term relationships with men and very much enjoyed all the sex we’ve had.
I enjoy watching videos of either two women enjoying each other, or a threesome featuring two women and one man. I love the gentle, sensuous touching and the slow build-up. Do you think I could be a lesbian?
DEIDRE SAYS: Perhaps. Or you could be bisexual. You enjoy watching women’s bodies and the way they touch one another. Lots of people enjoy this type of content.
Sexuality is fluid. Some people are straight or gay, but many of us are somewhere in between.
Generally, porn only becomes problematic if it affects your relationships or takes over your life. My support pack, Addicted To Porn?, explains more.
Family forum
DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter’s ex is using every trick in the book to get out of paying child maintenance.
I’m 60, my wife is 58 and we have a daughter in her mid-thirties.
Eight years ago, she met this man when he came round to her house to quote for a new patio.
I was there. I disliked him on sight because I thought he was arrogant, but she was immediately smitten.
They started dating and within a year, she was pregnant. She asked him to move in with her, but he kept making excuses.
Six months after the baby – a beautiful little boy – was born, this man ended their relationship.
Since that day, he hasn’t contributed a penny towards his son.
We’ve contacted the Child Maintenance Service many times. But this man seems to go out of his way to hide his finances.
He claims he doesn’t work or earn any money – and what he’s actually doing is giving customers his friends’ bank account details instead of his own.
On paper, he looks like he’s broke but in reality, his friends essentially hold his money for him.
My wife and I would like to think about retiring within the next few years, but currently, we’re solely supporting our grandson. School uniforms, school trips, days out, haircuts – we fund all of it.
It makes me so angry that a grown man can father a child and then simply decide he doesn’t want to be responsible for them.
DEIDRE SAYS: Hiding your income to avoid paying child maintenance (and I’m guessing income tax too) is illegal.
If anyone believes a parent is fraudulently hiding their income to avoid paying child maintenance, they can contact the CMS and ask them to investigate.
This is known as applying for an additional income variation. You can find out more information through gov.uk/child-maintenance-service.
You cannot apply for a report anonymously, but you can ask the CMS not to tell the other parent who requested it.
Give the CMS as much information as you can that this man is working and earning money but hiding it.
They have the ability to backdate claims.
