DEAR DEIDRE: THE man I’ve fallen for has broken my heart – by telling his female best friend intimate details about our sex life. I feel so betrayed.
I’m 46 and was married for 18 years before my relationship ended four years ago.
I’d been on my own since then and had almost given up on dating altogether. Then, a few months ago, I met a lovely man online. He’s 48.
We hit it off straight away, and I couldn’t believe how easy everything felt with him.
We’d spend hours talking over dinner, go for long walks and laugh until our sides hurt.
I honestly didn’t expect to like him this much, this soon.
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A few weeks ago, we started sleeping together and I thought things were heading in the right direction.
Then, one evening, his phone buzzed while we were watching telly. He laughed out loud, so I asked what was so funny.
Without thinking twice, he told me he’d been messaging his female best friend about us, and showed me some of the texts.
He’d told her we’d slept together for the first time, joked about how “enthusiastic” I was in bed and even shared some of the intimate details.
She’d replied with laughing emojis and teasing comments, which he seemed to find hilarious. But I felt completely exposed.
I was already feeling apprehensive about sex after my divorce, and now I can’t stop wondering what else he’s told her behind my back.
I tried to explain how I felt, but he couldn’t understand why I was upset and insisted they’ve always told each other everything.
Now I’m wondering if I’m making a fuss over nothing or whether this is a red flag I shouldn’t ignore.
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not overreact-ing here. Most people would expect intimate details about their sex life to remain private, especially at the start of a new relationship.
The real issue isn’t that he has a close female friend, it’s that he didn’t consider how sharing such personal information might affect you.
Tell him calmly why this crossed a line for you and explain what you expect around privacy going forward.
His willingness to understand your feelings and respect those boundaries will tell you all you need to know and help you decide what to do.
My support pack, Finding The Right Partner For You, will help you decide whether this man is right for you.
STRUGGLING TO PAY BILLS AFTER SPLIT FROM HUBBY
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my divorce, I’ve gone from having a comfortable life to worrying about every penny I spend.
I’m 45, and was married for 18 years. My husband and I split after I learned he’d been cheating throughout our marriage.
The heartbreak has been overwhelming. But what I wasn’t prepared for was how financially hard life would be on my own.
He was always the main earner and over the years, I reduced my hours at work to look after our children and keep our home running.
Now I’m trying to manage everything on a part-time wage, and it’s impossible.
I’m constantly checking my bank balance, cutting back on groceries and putting off things I need because I can’t afford them. I wake up worrying about money every day.
I thought I’d feel free after leaving my marriage, but instead I feel completely overwhelmed. How can I rebuild my life?
DEIDRE SAYS: Starting again financially after a divorce can feel frightening, especially when you stepped back from work to support your family.
But don’t assume you have to struggle alone – you may have rights and options you’re unaware of.
It’s worth getting specialist advice about your financial situation and what support you may be entitled to.
Rights of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk) offer free legal advice for women on issues including divorce, finances and relationship breakdown.
BULLIED BECAUSE I FANCY MY TEACHER
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL my friends have turned my biggest secret into the whole school’s favourite joke.
I’m a 15-year-old boy, and I’ve had a crush on my English teacher for months. I know nothing could ever happen, but I can’t help the way I feel.
A few weeks ago, one of my mates asked if I fancied her.
I trusted him, so admitted it and made him promise not to tell anyone.
But within days, everyone seemed to know.
Now I can’t walk down the corridor without someone shouting my teacher’s name or asking if I’ve got “extra English sessions”.
In class, people wink at me whenever she speaks, make kissing noises behind my back and keep saying she’s my girlfriend.
I’m so embarrassed. I dread every lesson and have started looking for excuses not to go to school.
How can I stop these rumours and get everyone to leave me alone?
DEIDRE SAYS: Having a crush is nothing to feel ashamed about, but your friends have turned it into a cruel joke at your expense.
You shouldn’t have to dread going to school because of other people.
Speak to a trusted teacher, your head of year, or a parent and explain what has been happening.
They can help put a stop to the bullying and make you feel comfortable again.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will also help.
CAN’T GET OVER HER LESBIAN LIE
DEAR DEIDRE: I SPLIT up with my girlfriend because she said she was a lesbian, but now she’s dating another man.
I’m 34, she’s 31, and we were together for five years. I believed she was the person I’d grow old with so, when she decided to end things last year, I was devastated.
She sat me down and told me that she’d been struggling with her sexuality for a long time and that she’d realised she was attracted to women and couldn’t carry on pretending.
As painful as it was, I tried to accept it because I loved her and wanted the best for her.
It’s taken me almost a year to start putting my life back together, and I still struggle some days. But last week, a mutual friend mentioned she’d been seeing someone new. I assumed it was a woman until I looked online and saw a photo of her holding hands with another man.
My heart broke all over again, and all the hurt came flooding back.
Now I can’t stop wondering whether she was ever telling the truth – or if saying she was a lesbian was an excuse to leave.
DEIDRE SAYS: Seeing your ex with another man has understandably reopened old wounds, but try not to let it rewrite your entire relationship. Sexuality can be complex, and it’s possible she was genuinely trying to make sense of her feelings at the time.
No matter how hard you try to figure it out, you’ll probably never know exactly what was going through her mind.
What matters now is that the relationship has ended, whatever the reason. Looking for answers she may never be able to give will only keep you stuck in the past.
Instead, focus your energy on your future and the life you’re rebuilding. My support pack, Moving On, can help you let go of unanswered questions and heal.
