I WONDER what else they will discover in Nicola Sturgeon’s back yard, or parked up on her mother-in-law’s driveway?
Nothing would surprise me. A Harrier Jump Jet?

Sturgeon keeps playing the victim card but does anybody believe she didn’t have a clue about her ex-husband’s crimes? Credit: Brighty

She has since done an interview with Laura Kuenssberg, which frankly had to be seen to be believed Credit: PA
“I never saw an aeroplane of any description,” Ms Sturgeon told reporters.
She added that she believed the very loud whooshing noise was from her washing machine’s spin cycle.
“I can state categorically that I had absolutely no idea that my former husband spent considerable periods of time swooping across the Highlands in a warplane. It has come as a complete shock to me.
“Such a deception. But then that’s the sort of thing strong, radical, left-wing women have to put up with from men. It’s yet more misogyny.”

The real list of what Peter Murrell, wee Mrs Krankie’s husband until very recently, squirreled away out of SNP party funds, almost stretched ­credulity.
But what stretched credulity so much that it snaps in half is the notion that Sturgeon knew nothing whatsoever about it. Nothing whatsoever.Not even a fleeting suspicion crossed her mind.
She claims she “didn’t notice” the huge camper van parked up on her mother-in-law’s driveway. How did she not? She visited the place regularly.
The camper van could be seen from the roadway. All the locals knew it was there. It was huge. And yet Sturgeon claims she didn’t even see it.

Or the £2,600 pepper and salt pots? “Where’d you get these, dear?”
“Oh, I picked them up in Tesco for £4.99. Nice aren’t they? Solid silver, I believe. Now eat your haddock, love.”

Never even a conversation about those?
And to add insult to injury we now have to listen — with frank incredulity — to her emetic self-justifications. Her improbable denials. And worst of all watch as she, time and again, plays the victim card. A victim, she says, of misogyny.
And all this as she shamelessly tours the telly ­studios and the literary festivals flogging her godawful book so that she can trouser even more money.
It is true, of course, that ­officially she has been cleared.
Or exonerated completely, as she likes to put it. You might have thought that having got off in the most unlikely of ­circumstances, she might be tempted to keep her head down for a while. Not a bit of it. The book needs selling!
And how fortunate that it all ties in very handily with her former husband’s trial and ­conviction. The icing on the cake. ­Trebles all round!
Sturgeon herself of course was only too happy to milk the applause at these literary events. But then she ran away like the clappers when the journos got too close to her.
She has since done an interview with Laura Kuenssberg, which frankly had to be seen to be believed.

The retreat into victimhood. The blank-faced denials.
“I am not responsible for the crimes that my former husband committed and I’m not going to apologise for somebody else’s crimes, she said. And then added: “He is ­serving and will be serving a ­sentence for a crime he committed.
“I’m out here feeling as if I’m serving a sentence for a crime I did not commit”.
No, Nicola. You are not ­serving any sort of sentence at all. Somehow.Her oily lawyer, a bloke called Aamer Anwar, piled it on even more thickly.

The real list of what Peter Murrell, wee Mrs Krankie’s husband until very recently, squirreled away out of SNP party funds, almost stretched ­credulity Credit: PA

Sturgeon claims she ‘didn’t notice’ the huge camper van parked up on her mother-in-law’s driveway
“It would appear that some ‘armchair detectives’ think they are better placed than the gold-plated investigation of Police Scotland and now wish to try Ms Sturgeon for crimes she has not committed.
“­Fortunately that is not how our justice system works.
“Had there been any evidence of criminality against Ms Sturgeon, then there can be no doubt she would have been charged, prosecuted and presently be behind bars.”
Aamer, mate — you must think we were all born yesterday. Gold-plated investigation! I assume he had his tongue planted firmly in his cheek.

The truth is that hardly ­anybody, anywhere, believes that Sturgeon didn’t have a clue what was happening.
This was a married couple who lived together, worked together, took holidays together.
A couple who shared living costs and split the family income. This wasn’t some fly-by-night long-distance relationship. It was a long-term, stable, domestic relationship.
Is it remotely possible that a politician regarded as one of the most astute of her time, and one of the most powerful, really didn’t know a thing about what was happening right beneath her nose?
That she was naive and ­dim-witted enough to not even question a single element of their relationship?
Despite the fact that luxury goods piled up on the Sturgeon doorstep — the mountains of posh cosmetics, the lovely ­consumer durables . . .
And at the risk of repeating myself, the bloody ginormous camper van parked on her mum-in-law’s driveway, in full view of anybody who fancied taking a quick peek around.
Nicola Sturgeon and her ­lawyer may like to think this is where it all ends. If they do think that, they are kidding themselves. There needs to be a proper inquiry.
Of course that suggestion has been rejected by the Scottish First Minister, the singularly inept John Swinney.
He wants the whole shebang swept under the carpet even more quickly than does ­Sturgeon.

But the truth is that to anybody looking in from outside the rotten tartan boroughs of Scotland, a rat has been smelled.
And no amount of wishful thinking will make it go away.
There will be a Westminster inquiry. That much is almost certain.
Conservative MP Harriet Cross said: “John Swinney and the SNP are terrified of scrutiny and have already moved to shut down any prospect of an inquiry at Holyrood.
“But Westminster is another matter. I will be pushing for the Scottish Affairs committee to investigate this scandal fully and deliver the answers the public deserve about Peter Murrell’s criminal activity.”
Sturgeon described the last week as being the very worst of her life.
Hmm. It may be about to get even worse.

OK, I can do without helium. Perfectly nice gas. Very important for the sun, I grant you.
But when I go down to Morrisons, it’s not very high on my shopping list.
Just as well, really, because worldwide supplies of the gas are running very low.

Qatar is a chief producer. And the Gulf state can’t ship any out because Iran is still blockading the Strait of Hormuz.
That means a shortage of those glitzy party balloons. It’s a small issue in the grand scheme of things.
But it should remind us that the war Donald Trump said would last a couple of weeks has been going on for nearly 100 days.
And that the West and the US is in a much worse place than it was when the first rockets were fired. What a costly, awful folly.

I SEE whippets have suddenly become the country’s coolest dog.
Those thin-faced and rather miserable-looking creatures have shot up the dog popularity tables. It’s all a bit of a mystery as to why.
Some say it’s the result of a Best In Show Award from Crufts.
Either way they are ­literally snapping at the heels of our usual favourites.
Whippets always look to me like models who’ve taken too much heroin.
Plus they can be snappy and aggressive with other dogs. Seems a strange breed we have taken to our hearts.