DEAR DEIDRE: LIVING a double life has become a total nightmare that I can no longer handle by myself.
My wife and I are both 43 and have been together since we were 28.
However, over time the passion between us has disappeared, and while I still love her, she is more like a friend now.
We haven’t had sex for more than three years.
At first, the sexual frustration was bearable but eventually I started to look at online porn.
It gave me a temporary distraction, but looking at women on a screen was no substitute for human contact.
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I desperately needed to feel the warmth, breath, and scent of a real person beside me.
That longing led me to escort sites and it soon became a regular habit. After a year or so, I met a 28-year-old woman who I really fancied.
I couldn’t understand why someone so lovely was in that line of work. I began buying her gifts, and taking her out to dinner and convinced myself that our passion was genuine affection.
For six incredible months, I felt alive again. Then, without any explanation, she ended everything via email and cut off all contact. I was devastated.
I tried replacing her with other women, but they weren’t the same. Meeting them only left me feeling dirty and ashamed. I know I am in the wrong, I don’t expect sympathy.
My wife is the real victim of my cheating even though she has absolutely no idea what I have been doing.
The guilt is overwhelming at times. I am desperate to break this cycle before I ruin everything, but I feel as though I can’t stop on my own.
What can I do to get back in the driving seat, and work out whether there is a future for my marriage?
DEIDRE SAYS: The lack of sex in your relationship is a symptom of the real issue in your marriage. Ask yourself why you and your wife no longer are intimate.
What was the reason it stopped?
Pick a moment to have an honest conversation with her. My support pack Saving Your Sex Life will help get you started.
Making a real effort to repair your relationship can help to break your dependency on escorts and give yourself the chance to rebuild lost trust.
If willpower alone isn’t enough, then contact Sex Addicts Anonymous (saauk.info, 07585 091502) for confidential support in regaining control of your life.
Make sure you have a sexual health check too.
IN TEARS OVER HIS BED SNUB
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER eight years together, we should still be enjoying each other, but it has been three long months since I last had sex with my husband.
I feel invisible in my own marriage. I’m 33 and he is 35. I’ve tried everything to reignite the spark, yet I am constantly rejected.
My husband is harsh to the point where I cry alone at night. A few days ago, he showed some interest in me, only to then make an excuse and go to the bathroom.
Without saying a word, he turned his back on me. I cried myself to sleep.The most hurtful part is that I know it isn’t a physical problem. I have caught him pleasuring himself more than once. I am left heartbroken and unwanted.
How can we find our way back to one another or save what we have left?
DEIDRE SAYS: Knowing he is masturbating doesn’t actually rule out a physical or psychological problem with partner sex.
Performance anxiety often leads men to self-pleasure because it carries zero pressure.
Has he failed to perform at any time? If so, his nerves may have got the better of him, making him avoid sex.
Speak to him and tell him how much you miss sex with him and ask what’s standing in his way.
Remove the pressure by taking full intercourse off the table, focus instead on mutual touch.
My support pack, Sex Play Therapy, will help.
GOT A RING BUT SHE’S DUMPED ME
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER getting the job of my dreams, I finally got my act together.
I bought a diamond engagement ring and planned to propose to my girlfriend, but before I could put my plan into action she suddenly dumped me.
I am 34 and my girlfriend is 32. After 12 years together I bought the ring she has spent several years waiting for.
I was planning to surprise her on her birthday when we were out celebrating.
Then, out of nowhere, she ended it. Looking back, I know that deep down I had started taking her for granted. I admit I wasn’t the partner she deserved.
I guess I was waiting for the right moment to prove my commitment, but my dithering has cost me everything.
Do I accept that we are over and walk away, or do I show up at her door with a bouquet of flowers, get down on one knee and ask her to marry me anyway?
DEIDRE SAYS: Throwing in the towel right now could be the biggest mistake of your life.
Buy the biggest bouquet of flowers you can find, take her somewhere romantic that means a lot to her and say the words that she has been hoping to hear for such a long time.
She won’t want 12 years of history to be wasted. Go and put that ring on her finger. Good luck!
DEVASTATED BY CHEAT HUSBAND
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN a stranger knocked on my door and said she had been my husband’s lover for nearly four years, my whole world disintegrated.
Standing on our doorstep, she made his betrayal impossible to deny. He tried, of course, but he had no choice but to own up.
I am only 28 and my husband is 29. We have been married for four years but, if I am honest, the warning signs were always there.
Even before we walked down the aisle, I discovered he had cheated on me with two different women.
Back then, I naively said to myself that once we married, that would change him, that committing to a life together would finally make him grow up and settle down. How wrong could I have been? When I confronted him and begged to know why he did it, he sat in silence, giving me no answers at all.
Now, he swears he loves me most and promises it will never happen again.I still love him as much as I ever did, but I no longer believe his words. I suspect he just loves the comfortable, easy life that I provide.
My trust is completely broken. I constantly check his phone, hating who I am becoming.
The thought of sex with him now makes me feel sick to my stomach. How can we ever rebuild our relationship when I can barely sit next to him on the sofa?
DEIDRE SAYS: You deserve so much more than a life spent waiting for him to change.
Perhaps your upbringing led you to believe that a woman’s role is to suffer in silence and keep the peace at all costs but, deep down, you know this has gone on long enough.
He has betrayed your trust throughout your marriage and even before you made those vows. Holding on to someone who treats you like an option will only destroy you.
Tell him to pack his bags and leave today, while your dignity is still intact.
Give yourself time to move on and eventually you will find someone who will truly love, respect, and value you. It is what you deserve.
