WELCOME to Britain! Please wipe your feet.

Here in Blighty, our borders are now open to anyone who wants to come here — but we do expect everyone to obey our rules and customs.

The Home Office has just published a nine-page booklet telling ­illegal migrants arriving in Britain not to commit crimes such as rape Credit: PA

While most take it for granted that rape and ­domestic abuse are not an acceptable part and parcel of everyday life in the UK, apparently not everyone does Credit: © Crown 2026.This publication is licensed under the terms of the Open Government Licence

If you come to our shores, you will need to learn to queue quietly, say “sorry” when someone else bumps into you, moan ­incessantly about the weather and, if it’s not too much bother, would it be okay if you didn’t rape any women or children, or beat your wives?

While the rest of us might take it for granted that rape, paedophilia and ­domestic abuse are most definitely not an acceptable part and parcel of everyday life in the UK, apparently not everyone does.

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Which is why the Home Office has just published a nine-page booklet telling ­illegal migrants arriving in Britain not to commit those crimes.

The document, entitled “Understanding behaviours and expectations in the UK: A guide for asylum seekers”, sets out exactly what those expectations are and is to be handed out to the thousands of Channel migrants, helpfully informing them that rape is a serious crime, as is sex with children under 16.

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Sexual harassment in the street is also not allowed, and neither is beating your wife or stopping her from getting a job or studying or, indeed, ­leaving the house when she wants.

What’s so surprising is that the Home Office thought this was necessary.

After all, Government ministers have been at pains to tell us these boat arrivals are desperate asylum seekers fleeing persecution — many of them women and children — not potential ­predators.

And people who have ­protested against these migrants being housed in hotels, bedsits or ex-Army ­barracks in their local areas have been branded racist bigots for ­claiming their new neighbours might be making their streets unsafe.

The booklet is basically a confession by the Government that they KNOW that some Channel migrants are a clear and present danger to women and children Credit: Alamy

Cartoon illustrations appear alongside instructions to ‘never make sexual comments to strangers’ Credit: Home Office

The Home Office booklet is basically a confession by the Government that they KNOW that some Channel migrants are a clear and present danger to women and children in our country.

Yet they continue to welcome them in their thousands to our shores, with a Channel taxi service, free accommodation and food, and legal aid to fight for the right to stay here.

For the ranks of liberal leftie lanyard loons at the Home Office, sitting on ­Commons benches, in the courts and working in migrant NGOs and charities, the rising tide of rapes, sexual assaults and sexual harassment on our streets is just a small price to pay for the pleasure of living in a NICE country that opens its doors to the world’s desperate hordes.

They simply refuse to face up to the reality that not all cultures are equal and that the whole world doesn’t sign up to Western values of equality and freedom.

Indeed, most of the world doesn’t — and particularly not in countries like ­Afghanistan, Eritrea, Iran, Iraq, Sudan and Somalia, where most asylum seekers are now arriving from.

Time after time, illegal migrants have been charged and convicted of raping and sexually assaulting women and girls, yet often the defence given in court is that they did not know what they were doing was a crime.

In one high-profile case, ­Ethiopian migrant Hadush Kebatu, 41, sexually assaulted a 14-year-old schoolgirl while he was living at the Bell asylum hotel in Epping, telling her that it is normal to marry children “in his country”.

And only this week, two Afghan migrant men, aged in their twenties, appeared in court accused of raping a 14-year-old girl on a London-bound train in February.

If only this booklet had been published before their alleged crime, eh?

How many more lives have to be ­sacrificed on the altar of the woke dogma that insists — against all the evidence — that it is a good idea to allow thousands of young men from medieval cultures into our country to roam our streets freely?

Even now, the Home Office is spending taxpayers’ money fighting a legal bid to force them to publish crime statistics by nationality, so they can continue to try to hide the true scale of the problem.

How many more British women and girls are expendable? How many rapes and sexual assaults will be enough to ­convince the Government that this is too high a price to pay? Because for most of us, ONE is too many.

Booklets and advice are not going to make our streets safer. Neither will ­sharing out the potential rapists “fairly” across the whole country, as the Home Office plans to do. (Out of interest, what do you reckon a “fair share” of ­foreign rapists in your local area would be?)

The solution is simple. Every single ­illegal arrival must be locked in a secure detention camp on Day One.

Their asylum applications must be assessed quickly, and those who fail to provide clear evidence for their claim must be immediately deported back home or anywhere else that will have them — Rwanda, Albania or a rocky outcrop in the middle of the ­Atlantic for all I care.

If the Home Office is so convinced that a booklet telling migrants not to rape will change how they behave, then let’s start handing out booklets on the beaches of Calais telling them it’s a crime to travel by dinghy to Britain. I’m sure it will work.

WHEN HARRY MET REALITY . . .

Harry and Meghan’s return to Britain marks the latest chapter in their royal soap opera Credit: AP

TALKING of the need for tougher border controls, two more economic migrants will be arriving on our shores soon.

Prince Harry and Meghan shocked the nation with their Megxit announcement in 2020 yet, just six years later, it seems their American dream is over and now we are getting the Great ReMeghration of the Sussexes to Blighty, with their tails between their legs.

It turns out life as Californian celebs isn’t quite as fun – or as lucrative – as they’d hoped. After selling every last ounce of their private lives to Netflix and Spotify and after telling the world every secret in their Oprah Winfrey interview and Harry’s memoir, Spare, there isn’t anything left to hawk.

And, frankly, sales of Meghan’s As Ever brand jam just aren’t going to pay the bills. It also turns out their only cachet was their royal link. Without it, they’ve quickly tumbled down from must-have A-listers to late-night TV show laughing stocks.

Maybe Harry wants to make amends with his family.

Maybe he’s bored. Perhaps he has finally sorted out his security concerns, or the couple think British schools will be better for their young children.

Or possibly they are leaving the US before Harry’s visa is cancelled over his drug-taking confessions. Who knows?

But I suspect what this is REALLY about is Meghan’s desire to see her children, Archie and Lilibet, with their HRH Prince and Princess titles, finally taking their rightful places on that Buckingham Palace balcony alongside the King and Queen, and William and Kate.

It’s time for Meghan’s next reinvention as we tune in to see the Sussexes’ royal soap opera enter its latest season: The Non-Working Royals Return.