DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time my husband looks at me, I get a knot in my stomach. He is the best thing in my life yet I’ve risked everything after a drunken night.
I’m 29, my husband is 31 and we have been happily married for four years. But after a quiet drink took an unexpected turn, I haven’t been able to relax.
I’d agreed to go out with my 28-year-old best friend who was going through a bad patch in her rocky relationship.
To cheer her up, we decided on a quiet drink at a local pub. Things became more lively when, instead of heading home, we ended up chatting to two guys at the bar.
They were our age, very charming, and the drinks kept flowing.
When the pub closed, they invited us back to their place to look at their rooftop view.
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My friend jumped at the chance. Not wanting to be a killjoy, I stupidly tagged along but the moment we sat on their couch, the room was spinning.
I must have blacked out, because the next thing I remember, the four of us were tangled up in a bed upstairs.
I can’t piece together how we got there but hazy memories of kissing and touching keep coming up.
We woke up the next morning to a note saying they’d left for work.
My husband thinks I spent the night at my friend’s house — oblivious to the truth. The stress is driving me insane.
He deserves to know but I am so scared of breaking his heart and ruining everything.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m concerned that you weren’t capable of giving consent as you have memory loss and felt the room spinning before you found yourself in bed with these men and your friend.
Please get support while you unravel what happened that night. This worrying episode sounds less like you were cheating, and more like these men took advantage of your vulnerability.
My support pack Have You Been Raped? explains more about where you can get support for what sounds likely to have been sexual assault at the very least.
It would help to offload your feelings in total confidence first. You need to talk to someone impartial to process the panic.
The Samaritans provide free, 24/7 confidential support where you can speak with someone who can help you. (samaritans.org, 116 123).
Then, when you have more clarity over what happened, you can decide if you want to talk to your husband about it.
My hunch is that he will already be sensing a shift in your relationship.
REAL DAD WANTS TO MEET ME
DEAR DEIDRE: OUT of the blue, my biological dad tracked me down on Facebook, and although I want to meet him, I am genuinely scared of upsetting my wonderful adoptive dad.
I am a 20-year-old man. My dad has been in my life since I was just two, adopting me when I turned five. During all those early years, my birth father never once made any contact with us.
Right before my 16th birthday, my mum and dad asked if I wanted to find him, but I refused back then.
However, he unexpectedly found me a few months ago, and we have been regularly chatting together since then.
I really feel ready to take the next step and see him in person, but the guilt is overwhelming because I love my family.
My dad raised me, and I never want him to feel replaced. How do I talk about this honestly with my mum and dad without breaking their hearts?
DEIDRE SAYS: There is no need for you to feel guilty because your parents actually broached this subject years ago, so they are already prepared for this possibility.
It won’t come as a huge shock to them that you have changed your mind about meeting your birth father.
When you speak to them, emphasise how much you love your adoptive dad and simply be honest. They can even help fill in any gaps about your background.
For extra support, please contact Family Action (family-action.org.uk, 0808 802 6666).
OUT IN THE COLD WITH DAUGHTER
DEAR DEIDRE: IT is becoming more and more difficult to see my little girl now that my ex started dating someone new.
I am 24 and my daughter is almost three. After the split, everything was manageable. I would usually take her out to the park, buy her ice cream, and just enjoy our time together.
When the weather was bad, my ex was reasonable and let me spend time at their house so my daughter stayed warm. Now that she has a new boyfriend, I am suddenly not welcome there at all.
Worse still, I can’t even take her to my parents’ place, where I live, because they refuse to let her inside, saying she is too badly behaved.
It breaks my heart. When the weather’s bad, we have nowhere to go, so we just drive around in my car for hours or sit in a cafe.
It’s no life for a toddler. I feel so isolated, but I thought it might help if I knew other single parents going through this.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do take a look at dad.info which helps to keep separated dads in touch with their children and other single parents.
You could take her to a local library to read to her, which is free, warm, and often has play areas.
Also look into indoor soft play centres, go swimming, museum discovery zones, or community children’s centres.
Friendly local cafés with small toy corners are also great spots.
HUBBY FIXATED ON HIS CAREER
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I tell my husband that we don’t spend enough time together, he says I am making a fuss over nothing.
He rolls his eyes when I explain how lonely I am and things have broken down. The final straw came when he started sleeping in the spare room.
I am 33 and my husband is 34. We have been together for a decade and have one son aged eight.
The distance between us started six months ago when he took a new job.
His team was restructured under a demanding new female boss and, suddenly, his career took over our lives.
Now they are constantly travelling together for business, sharing late-night hotel dinners and drinks.
When he is home on the weekends, he locks himself away to work. It never even occurs to him that I might need a break, even though I work full-time myself and manage our son.
We often have to socialise with his boss and her partner outside of work. We even went away for a long weekend with them. I felt like a spare part, while they talked shop the whole time.
He throws it in my face that I never welcome him home with a smile, yet he never suggests a date night and we barely speak. I am drained.
Do I finally tell him to pack his things for good and focus on sorting out a life for myself and our son?
DEIDRE SAYS: Moving into the spare room is only driving you further apart, without solving the issue.
Your husband sounds to have lost all sense of work-life balance, and his professional boundaries are blurred, though it is unlikely he would arrange a joint holiday with his boss if they were actually having an affair.
You need to take back control of your weekends. Hire a babysitter so the two of you can get out and rediscover some fun together.
Start to book outings with your own friends and leave him in charge of your son.
Try introducing a relaxing evening massage to rebuild that physical connection. If he still resists, contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1975) for professional guidance.
